If you look at all aspects of your life, are you living by your definitions, desires, values, and identification? How often do you choose to behave, dress, purchase, or do (or not do) something because someone else wants that for you or to fit in? What do you give up in yourself to do that? If you lived your life in a way that truly represents you, how would it look? We all conform to laws and various societal constraints to maintain a safe, sane, and consensual world. We can examine where we can express and live our lives within that framework so as to better express who we truly wish to be.
Some things to consider:
- Do you know what you want?
- Do your preferences conform to the expectations of your friends, family, or partner instead of your own?
- Can you make a choice different from those around you?
- Do you do what others expect of you, regardless of your own desires?
- Do you know your beliefs, values, and/or spirituality?
- Does your physical body or intuition (your “gut feeling”) tell you when you are comfortable, and it’s in alignment with how you are living your life?
- Do you know where you want to go with your life or who you want to be – do you’ve a vision?
This could be in your relationships, sexuality, gender lifestyle, work, diet, purchases, dress, behavior, or even your values and beliefs.
Your definition of who you are changes over time. Often where we are in living our life is not where we really want to be. Sometimes we go on living our lives out of habit, seemingly by remote control, without noticing it as it happens; when we do finally notice, we realize it’s not how we truly want to live our lives but how others have decided for you how you should live – and you let them! You may have unconsciously decided to live this way, simply going with the flow, but remember that not making a conscious decision is still a decision – you’ve chosen to live this way, even if it was unconsciously, with no consideration for who you are at your core and how you want to go through this world.
Have you checked that your beliefs are still serving you or are current for you? You might want to take inventory of your beliefs. Often when you’ve fears, resentments, or are just not sure whether you do or not, it can be a good time to review the beliefs that define them. One good way to self-assess is by taking The Belief Inventory, by Nancy Coleman – it has questions that you can use to help determine where you stand in relation to your beliefs.
While you’re reviewing your beliefs, you might want to also check your values and boundaries. You may know your beliefs, values, identity and what you want, but you may want to make sure that they’re not compromised by the choices you’re making in living the life you’re living. Where do you set your boundaries? A good workbook to examine and evaluate this for yourself is Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend – it can help with turning off that automatic pilot and putting yourself back on the course to the life you really wish to live.
In any society, few if any people can live completely without at least some compromise, but do you go too far? Do you lose yourself by not standing up for who you are, deep inside? Do you fear that you will lose your family, partner, or friends if you were your genuine self? Are you suffering because you can’t be yourself? If you compromise to the point that you hide your true self, do the people who know you really know who you are? No one should have to hide who they truly are; if people genuinely love, like, or at least respect you, they will want you to be who you are and live your life the way that’s best for you.
Are you defined by your job or your partner? In the 1999 film Runaway Bride, the character Maggie Carpenter (played by Julia Roberts) kept saying that she liked to have her eggs made the same way as what her fiancé-of-the-moment wanted. She had no idea how she wanted things, if she was to decide on her own, choosing instead to let her romantic partner shape how she lived her life. Is it easier for you to let others decide for you? What is the cost in doing this for you? Do you feel a lack of identity as a result? It’s one thing if you don’t have a particular preference at a given moment, especially for relatively minor decisions such as what type of cuisine to eat for a meal; it’s another thing altogether if you don’t know what your default preference would be, independent of those around you. If you don’t know your own likes and dislikes, then you need to take a step back, look at yourself and find out on your own. You can always change your mind after you’ve tried and experienced your options and formed your opinion – the important thing is that it truly be your opinion, yours and yours alone.
People define others around them all the time. They want to label them with their own experiences. Don’t listen to naysayers; often, they’re so fixed on their notion of who you are in their minds, they can’t see you in a new light. They’re limited to their own way of seeing their world, of how one’s life should be lived, and they can’t easily wrap their minds around any alternatives. They don’t live in your shoes nor see with your eyes. It’s important for people to self-define their own gender, sexual preference, the labels they prefer, their choice of friends, their partner, and how they want to relate to others – in simpler terms, you should be free to define your own lifestyle.
When you feel that your desires are just not being met and that a change may be what you need, you might not know exactly where to start or what direction to turn. You have some vague idea of how you wish to live your life but aren’t sure just how to get there – it’s like trying to navigate strange terrain to an unknown destination without a map or a compass. Take some time to learn more about yourself – if researching on your own isn’t getting you to where you want to be, you may need to seek out someone to help you explore what possibilities are within your grasp and which are the ones that really suit you. Often, people talk about what they don’t want and don’t talk about what they do want – when it comes to living the life you truly desire, this is progress, sort of, but a more positive approach is to be defined by what we’re drawn to rather than what we’re repelled by. Invest in yourself and the relationships that honor and respect who you are. You don’t have to have all the answers or make all the changes your want to make all at once. Choose one or a few – move incrementally toward what would be your ultimate goal, testing the waters as you go and deciding if this is truly the direction you want to head in or whether you need to adjust course.
Part of living your own life is being honest with yourself, your family, your friends, where you are, where you want to go and how you choose the journey or experience. Individuality is more valued now than in decades past. You need to decide if it’s more important to live your life with yourself than to conform and be defined by others or your circumstances. So, when you make decisions and decide on what actions to take, make sure you check in with yourself, your beliefs, values, desires, boundaries, body, and/or preferences and make sure it’s really you that you want to be. Let your voice be heard. Let others know who you are. Define yourself on your terms. Take the time to review and see if you’ve changed or your life has changed. Learn something new that helps you live your life that you desire.
Ann Justi is a life coach, yoga therapist, author, and speaker. She helps people with desires and identities. You can get additional resources from her websites at yourdesiredlifecoaching.com or devotedyoga.net.