Although I may tell myself that I don’t feed into it or I don’t care, Valentine’s Day is the first thing that pops into my mind every February. It’s not that I need a heart shaped box of chocolates or an obnoxious bouquet of flowers, but it’s more so a reminder that my relationship status in Single. Although Valentine’s Day is only for a day, for the entire month, I seem to wallow in the fact that I don’t have a romantic partner.
Many single women will say that they want a nice guy that treats them well and shows them admiration and respect. However, when that type of man crosses our path, we tend to brush them off because they either don’t excite us enough or make us laugh or are not spontaneous and romantic. And so, we constantly feel like we are always back at square one, alone, again.
I’m sure many of us are familiar with Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages. In this book, Gary Chapman lays out ‘love languages’ that can be applied to optimize and make relationships more successful. As a recap, these love languages are, words of affirmation; acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch. According to the book, each one of us places each of these love languages at different levels of priority, and when our love language is identified, it makes for a smoother dynamic within a relationship.
I don’t know about you, but I hold high value for each of those five love languages. Each one holds importance in its own way and is reflective of how another regards you in a relationship. However, I came to find that these five love languages are not all encompassing. How could I just fit into only five categories? Also, the love languages that Gary Chapman lay out are action based, as if finding the right formula between the five love languages guarantees a successful relationship. They also do not touch on the qualities of a person that are just as important.
I began to ruminate over my past relationships. Each one occurring at a different point in my life, and hence at different stages of maturity and awareness. Once I sat in my contemplations, I came to the conclusion that I had been seeking something from each of these individuals. Not necessarily that I was trying to take advantage of them, but that I was looking to fill a void that I didn’t know I had.
I believe that there is truth in saying that we seek what we think we lack. If we felt neglect as a child, as adults we crave attention. When we lack the awareness that we are seeking a behavior or trait from others, it may turn into something unhealthy or toxic such as, being overly dramatic or codependent, just so we can have all the focus on us.
Once I began evaluating my relationships, not in a way to analyze why they didn’t work or to place fault, but to understand why I chose that person to be with, I realized I had my own love languages that came about because of my childhood and life experiences. It seems that each relationship mirrored or paralleled a divine timeline that was unique to me and what steps needed to be taken before I could move on to that next level in my life. Keep in mind, hindsight is always 20/20.
I was that girl that felt lack in my life. Definitely not easy to look at yourself in the mirror and see so many fractured pieces. It was as if each wrong relationship was just me attaching to one quality that suited my current need and I made excuses for the multitude of things that were obvious red flags to any outsider.
Through many nights of meditating, crying and epiphanies, I saw those pieces of me that were being held together with masking tape.
One guy was my caretaker because I did not have a full time male figure in my childhood; the next was the friend I could laugh with and shared inside jokes; then there was that fiery chemistry I had longed for, which actually turned out to be lust; then there was the guy that awakened my femininity and freedom of expression; then there was the guy I thought I would finally marry because he felt like home, but we unknowingly were both using each other to still heal from our past relationship traumas; lastly, was the guy I had connected most with physically.
Each one of those men satisfied a different part of me. The problem was, none of them satisfied the whole of me. It was in getting a taste of each of those qualities that I realized I still needed more than just one thing.
As soon as I saw the zoomed-out picture of my life, I knew I couldn’t settle, I wanted and deserved the whole package, custom-made for Nicky.
When it comes to love and your relationship, don’t settle for the grand gestures. Discover, examine, and communicate your needs, then trust and have the patience that the right person will come into your life.
~ Nicky Hassaballa
Below are ways you can connect with Nicky:
Email: nickyhassaballa@gmail.com
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/nicole-hassaballa
Instagram: @nickyhass14
Facebook: Nicky Hassaballa
Podcast: https://anchor.fm/nicky-hass